Friday, April 25, 2008

My Motivation

On the health and fitness board that I frequent, there has been a lot of talk about what motivates us to lose weight. I want to share this with everyone because it is important to understand what gets us going. I left my husband in September. My marriage got to the point where I felt like I was in a black hole, that I was never happy, that I felt like I was walking on eggshells around my ex, and that my career was at a deadend before it even started. The thing was, I never realized how unhappy I was. I never realized how I drowned my feelings in tubes of Pringles or tubs of ice cream. Now that I think about it, I remember sitting on the sofa in my tiny apartment before I got married, sitting in the dark, eating at 11:45, right before I went to bed. When I got married, I thought it was forever. I never expected to find that the man I married was beginning to resent me. In turn, he did his best to convince me that I wasn't happy where I was in my life and my career. Lucky for me, I didn't really listen to him, and that's when I started to think about leaving.

In July 2007, I moved with my husband to another state for his new job. I was convinced that he had sacrificed his career on my behalf, and that it was time for me to sacrifice for him. But when we moved four hours away from where we had been living, it went downhill. He would go to work, and I would be left to my own devices. I hated being at home alone. I would sit and cry, and barely eat. The only good thing to come out of that is that I started to lose weight. Granted, it wasn't the right way at all. I would eat a "brunch" meal, and then when he came home, we'd eat dinner together. I just wasn't interested in eating anymore.

In September, I left. I moved back to the city where my job was (until this point, I had been commuting four hours one way and living in a hotel for two days a week) and decided that I needed to start eating again. Only, this time, it had to be the right way. I had lost weight during this time where I did a lot of soul searching. I wanted to keep it off and lose even more. So, I started eating better and taking walks with friends. When it got too cold to walk anymore, I started doing the Biggest Loser Vol. 1 at home. Not only was it good for my health, but it gave some structure to my existance. Yes, I had been the one who decided to leave and end my marriage, but at the same time, it was the hardest moment in my life. Here I was, starting over, at the time when I thought I'd be at my happiest, starting a family and being an adult. I have to credit the structure of eating well and exercising with getting me through a lot of dark moments.

I was thinking about all this while I was doing my C25K intervals this morning. Exercise and healthy eating has helped me get control of my life at a time when I needed control over something. Something as simple as being able to jog around a track amazes me and makes me so happy when a year ago I didn't know I could be this happy. I wish I was one of those women that could say that I'm losing weight to try to conceive or to go on an anniversary trip with my husband. Kudos to you that are able to say that. But, quite honestly, I am losing weight for me. I have hidden under my weight and found consolation in food for too long. It's time for the real me to emerge... and you know what? I think she has :)

1 comment:

Robyn said...

Just wanted to say that I am really proud of you and all you're doing, and you look AMAZING!